It's all gone

I surround myself with impossible love interests, living arrangement interests which are impossible to obtain, car interests which are impossible to afford, hopes of looking like someone I could never be. It's not like I'm depressed by all of these things. The way I see it, my early childhood has taught me one of two things. One: Never be brought down by what may seem impossible today because it may be obtainable tomorrow. Two: Accept of the fact that you'll never get what you want for the rest of your life and live with the scraps life throws at you. I know..two totally different ends of the spectrum but depending on one's attitude and beliefs, either one can be much more clear than the other. If I were to be honest with myself, I would say I live mostly by the second point. I live in a house that isn't mine, with the girl of my dreams..and her husband. I drive a car I'm getting tired of and I have a job that probably wont net me very much of a "lucrative" life and I'm single and always feel lonely..no matter how many people are around. Even though all of that may sound depressing..I'm not depressed by it. I mean don't get me wrong, I would like things to be better. I just have no ambition to remedy any of it. I could live in this room for the rest of my life, staying single forever wanting someone I can never have and working somewhere that can barely pay the bills and I wouldn't care at all. It's truly and very pathetic. I have honestly come to accept that nothing will ever be any better than how it is now. That's why I'm not saddened or depressed in any way. I just don't care anymore. So I may be single forever..so what. So I'll never have a place of my own..doesn't matter. So I'll never get that car I want..that's life I guess. So I'll never get a better job..I'll live. So I'll never be that sexy front page guy..oh well. The ambition..the want..the desire has all been taken from me. As if I'm now a husk, wandering through life catching anything thrown in my hand instead of reaching out for things thrown near me. It's just..it's all gone.

You ever wonder.....?

If the color red is supposed to bring out aggression, then why do people faint when they see blood and not start punching everyone they see in the face!?

What IS Willis talking about?

If chocolate is supposed this bad temptation that you shouldn't give in to, and strawberries are supposed to be able to fend off cancer..then who decided to put the two together!!?

If marriage is this unbreakable contract/commitment that no one is ever supposed to break or go back on, then why does divorce even exist?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then what's a picture with a thousand words on it worth?

Why do those that believe in and completely follow God demean those that do not? Free will is a gift from God, therefore the choice not to follow or believe is just using that gift right?

Can you put a value on a human life?

If you said absolutely not, then why, if the choice was made yours, would you save a child over the mother who is going to die by the child's birth?

Why do pessimists and optimists all agree on the fact that a glass can be too full?

If money is the root of all evil, then do we just live in Hell cause the entire world basically runs on the flow of MONEY?

Why is it impossible to lick your elbow??

How come pudding is such a funny word?

And the most important question of all, WHAT THE FUDGE?

Revelation!

Lately I've found myself plagued by disappointment when it comes to relationships. The one that I've been in ended quite badly and others that were starting to bloom were sabotaged by my totally unwanted "keep people at a distance" thing! The most fun lately though, has been falling for married women (don't judge me fool! lol). Basically desiring the impossible. You'd think I'd be smart enough to avoid this happening more than once, but, 3 times?? I mean come on there has to be some kind of higher power at work here....then I realized something! I broke one of those stupid chain letters and are now plagued with relationship problems for 20 years!!! Never ever ever again!

Battle Scars

You know being a mechanic, or just working on cars in general isn't always fun..:( I actually washed my hands 3 times and all the black lines or marks you see on my hand are scratches! It's just as bad on the other hand and even worse on the back of them. I know people that have lost body parts..people that can't bend over anymore cause their backs are so bad from working on cars so much. I actually saw someone lose a finger to a fan blade at the school I went to! Not only is it hard to do in general but working on cars is also very hard on your body. It's a pretty sick passion if you ask me..hehe :P It's totally worth it though. No matter how many scars I get or finger tips I lose feeling in forever (yes..my right middle finger) it's all worth it to here that car start up when you're done. Call me crazy but it feels like saving a life. It's one job where you could be so incredibly angry and throwing tools around the shop and throwing out every bad word you can think of one minute, and the next be completely happy and satisfied with yourself. Ok ok I'm done ranting about being a mechanic.. Byebyes!

P.S.- Yes Kristine, I'm SERIOUS! lol

Moving about

So it looks like I'll be moving..again. This time back to where I moved from in the first place. You get kind of jaded to the concept of moving when you've moved as much as I have, but, this time it's different. This time I'm excited about starting a new life in a familiar place and seeing old friends again. How can you call any one place home when you've lived in a dozen different places? Well somehow I found one place in the midst of all that and now I'm going back there, going back home.

Clear Intentions

It's always best to know what your intentions are, or what the intentions are of another. I have always known what mine are and have always been quite good at knowing anyone else's. It's made me very good at being clear and concise with my conversations and decisions. Suddenly, for some reason or another, I am unclear as to what my intentions are. This..uncertainty..has had disastrous implications. I just wish I was clear on all intentions..so I would know how to feel. As things are right now, I feel ashamed, but if things were just a little different..maybe I can feel good about it. It's hard not knowing exactly how you should feel, hard enough that sometimes I choose not to think of it. I just wish the intentions were clear again...