Monday, October 27, 2008
I surround myself with impossible love interests, living arrangement interests which are impossible to obtain, car interests which are impossible to afford, hopes of looking like someone I could never be. It's not like I'm depressed by all of these things. The way I see it, my early childhood has taught me one of two things. One: Never be brought down by what may seem impossible today because it may be obtainable tomorrow. Two: Accept of the fact that you'll never get what you want for the rest of your life and live with the scraps life throws at you. I know..two totally different ends of the spectrum but depending on one's attitude and beliefs, either one can be much more clear than the other. If I were to be honest with myself, I would say I live mostly by the second point. I live in a house that isn't mine, with the girl of my dreams..and her husband. I drive a car I'm getting tired of and I have a job that probably wont net me very much of a "lucrative" life and I'm single and always feel lonely..no matter how many people are around. Even though all of that may sound depressing..I'm not depressed by it. I mean don't get me wrong, I would like things to be better. I just have no ambition to remedy any of it. I could live in this room for the rest of my life, staying single forever wanting someone I can never have and working somewhere that can barely pay the bills and I wouldn't care at all. It's truly and very pathetic. I have honestly come to accept that nothing will ever be any better than how it is now. That's why I'm not saddened or depressed in any way. I just don't care anymore. So I may be single forever..so what. So I'll never have a place of my own..doesn't matter. So I'll never get that car I want..that's life I guess. So I'll never get a better job..I'll live. So I'll never be that sexy front page guy..oh well. The ambition..the want..the desire has all been taken from me. As if I'm now a husk, wandering through life catching anything thrown in my hand instead of reaching out for things thrown near me. It's just..it's all gone.